YOU

There’s something about beautiful, heavenly raindrops playing sweet music on an ocean that now resembled a sweating lover in the throes of passion. Watching the sea is something, but seeing her at her wildest best in the monsoons is a beauty that only nature can afford. I watch huge waves hit rocks and crash, only to come back stronger, newer and more unique than before… quite like our spirits.

And then the conversation between my soul and mind began…

Leave said one, don’t leave said the other. A decision far from forthcoming, thanks to the conflict within. My internal reasoning kicked in and said, “In its time, everything will happen in its time.”

But, this was a time I didn’t need reason. I already know what’s right and what’s wrong. Who’s to say, what’s correct and what isn’t? The truth is the truth, and as much as we’d like to believe that it is situational, it really isn’t, the truth is the truth. Knowing the truth about ourselves or someone else’s, does not make him/her or us a good or bad person. No, we’re too mortal to sit on judgment on another person and ourselves. The beauty about the truth is that if it goes against God and the universe, we can change our truth, by changing our behaviour.

Ask yourself, who are you? Who do you want to be? I asked myself the second question and got an honest answer, the truth. I need to be just me, just Nish.

I listened hard for my inner-voice; I knew she was there, lost in all the turmoil that I chose to lump myself with. She’s so soft, and between Nish the daughter, Nish the sister, Nish the granddaughter, Nish the niece, Nish the friend, Nish the professional, Nish the this and Nish the that, I am spent.

As we all are – we’re ever so busy fulfilling our parts in this play called life, that we lose a little bit of ourselves everyday. We even have a word for it now, we call it multi-tasking – we’re all these multi-task masters, who pride ourselves at handling the BB in one hand, breakfast-on-the-go in the other, instructions to the maid, giving mum a hurried goodbye kiss on the way to work… all this while dealing with work on the phone. Aren’t we just a super race now!!! Or NOT.

A friend told me today, that in-between all these roles, I am happiest being the dreamy writer. Lost in thought, reveling in silence… bliss. And while, each of us has our own nature of bliss, it’s still far from the bit-part roles we play in our lives. Life and situations call on us to play different roles, at different times; sometimes, different roles at one time. But it’s time to stop.   

STOP. JUST STOP. LITERALLY, STOP.

It’s important to disrobe, get out of portrayed character and just be. I being me and you being you, reintroduces us to our sense of being in a small way. These are roles we may not be able to get away from - out of compulsion or choice, but ever so often, we must find our own spot. Sometimes, what we see within is far from pleasing. In fact, it’s difficult, scary and hurtful; but facing these feelings, accepting them and believing that we will not let them drive our lives, is the least we can do for ourselves.

Yes I caved, I was so lost and probably will be lost in the future, I am just about finding myself, I may want to run, but I am not going to.

I am getting to know me, Nish – the girl who loves her silence, the girl who’s getting to know her soul, the girl who now loves every part of a broken heart that’s healing (slowly, ever so slowly). I am now enjoying the net that I once struggled to get out off. I am happy just being and I found that net disappear in my state of being.

Being, just being, is a tiny step towards getting to know oneself. And it’s the tiny steps that really matter. Leave the leaps and bounds by the sidelines for a change and enjoy the little baby steps towards knowing oneself. It is these baby steps that are the most difficult steps. Once you start, there’s no looking back, unless of course, you want to… and if you do, you can start all over again.

It’s not the number of starts you make, but how far you get after each one.

Here’s to getting know yourself, bit by bit, better and better every single day. Gift yourself, YOU.

The journey to ourselves is one of the hardest walks we experience. I may o may not be ready to crash, but I know that when I do, I will be at my weakest. And when I’m at my weakest, I will experience strength that only a soul who’s crashed time and again experiences.

You may fall, but the same bruises that marred your soul and spirit, will be the ones that purify and strengthen you.

Have a blessed day, YOU. :)